log log

january 2026

10/01/2025

waste of effort waste of life. tried to make cutouts. not good so gave up. played minesweeper most of the day. feel like I have lost something important. that article about aphantasia has really freaked me out: everything transient. drama lesson; fine performance, nothing at the centre. chinese buffet dinner: this smug boy with the same glasses at me.

09/01/2026

work back to normal today. nine trillion emails. all needing ticketed. or needing checked. or redone. very frustrating. created myself some soothing documentation work. to survive. decided to delete twitter for good. started watching the new pitt. it's really not good. I watched season 1 in a suicidal fugue so it didn't annoy me as much then. I will probably not watch any more. reading the dispossessed by le guin, having loved the left hand of darkness in november. foot is starting to feel something approaching a foot again. still sore but it's like the nerves have reoriented their map and suddenly my toes are moving properly. hate being injured. this was supposed to be the year of physical activity.

08/01/2026

day off totally squandered. I was supposed to work on research but instead I exposed myself to infohazards. finished the planner off.

07/01/2026

day of managing foot. ice and elevate and work and voltarol and paracetamol.

06/01/2026

bad day.

05/01/2026

called O again. forgot I was supposed to be calling O until halfway through the workday. Did not feel like it. But was in a better humour afterwards. suddenly felt purposeful and decisive. started making a planner. then it drained from me and I was useless.

04/01/2026

quiet day, mostly squandered. O at work. could not sleep for the pain.

03/01/2026

really good day, once I woke up. helped M with his cutouts, played wii, ate a lot of snacks and food. veggie burgers for dinner. a nice festive feeling.

02/01/2026

half day at work. I had been feeling churl-ish but decided to make a social effort. signed up for the gym. went to K&B's for dinner (very nice!) and hung out for a long time. played the numbers game. I enjoyed it a lot. O not so much. after walking down 3 or 4 flights of unlit uneven stairs to go home I must have slipped on the last three or four. truly sudden: one moment upright, the next all my awareness was on my ankle, only slowly and blurrily expanding outward: D's face emerging from the basement, then calling 999; M talking to me; O trying to soothe me. according to them it was around 5 minutes before I was more or less lucid. then I felt very sick and very thirsty. then a&e. hours and hours with the waiting time going up by 5 minutes every 5 minutes. hopping and hobbling to the xray. the nurses walking far ahead of me. stupid bus journey. upset with O. back home at 6:30am having cried the last hour straight. the end.

01/01/2026

I don't remember.

august log

august is a particularly interesting month to me.

01/08/2025

slow day. friday. had a shower, practised my chinese, tidied up the flat a bit, took a photo for my id card for work on Monday - pictures of your own face always the weirdest thing. then slopped about for most of the rest of the day. went to L&B's and played bananagrams. things were revealed. B made us some nice fajitas. spicy. very juicy. I had a nice time but I was in a poor humour because I don't feel well. the walk back with O was nice, though I became churlish and upset. then spent the evening looking at neocities.

02/08/2025

even slower day. granola, chinese, cleaning up. just so tired and under the weather. ate half a bag of the special crisps but they tasted off and then I've felt sick all afternoon so that may have been a mistake. turns out they are a year out of date. watched the end of community s3 with O. I have to agree with him that the season is at its strongest when it's doing its "meat and potatoes" rather than when it's doing its big set pieces. crazy how much of it is entirely ingrained in me down to the delivery. I've been exploring neocities. i love fisheatingsite. i got too ensnared in fish clicker though and one of the other games gave me horrible motion sickness. really need to do some more work on the corpus and my diss but I've been unmotivated? or anxious? probably the latter makes more sense. signed up for postcrossing.

03/08/2025

went for a longish walk (for me). 3 miles ought not be that long but really it is. oh well I will just have to walk more. maybe I'll walk to and from my new job. I've been pretty consistent with the chinese speaking practice but I really need to get my fitness up for the trip. looked at lots of different shoes but refused to try any on. hateful activity. went out for a nice dinner with O. cocktail and prawn tempura ramen and salad. it said vegetables on the menu so we asked what vegetables and the waitress was like. a mix? which only confused us more and then she had to go talk to the chef and she came back and was like.. there's some rocket? and leaves? and we realised that we had been bamboozled by the word vegetables. we also realised that the salad was the one we often get from lidl. one of my only successful ventures into the world of broth. washed my hair, packed all my stuff up for the first day of work, and...terrible insomnia, could not sleep til about 5 am.

04/08/2025

long long day. miserably woke up at 7ish for work. absolutely dead by 5. but work itself was good! well. typical first day it issues, trying to log into things via 5 different portals til you can find one that works, inputting nine trillion one time codes, signing up to platforms you'd never have heard of in your wildest dreams. 2 hour sprint meeting was very interesting, I'm feeling good about my choice to work here. though I really need to up my technical skills. though I also really need to stop getting so ahead of myself. it is day one of the job. perhaps it is fine if I focus on the tasks I was hired to do first. perhaps... the server was right by my desk and it's SO LOUD. I felt like I was on an airfield. they showed me where the coffin pods were. definitely need to get a mouse for work. the laptop trackpad is so tiny. now all that is left is to plot my pdf destruction.