log log

june 2026

20/06/2026

pride.. ate salad for lunch like a freak. realised too late that I had not arranged any meeting place with T, X, etc and so sort of wandered around aimlessly not finding them. embarrassed myself by misunderstanding a social relationship and being undeft enough to convey the actual meaningful information I needed to. ran into S, and pleased to hear that she got a job with the charity she's been volunteering with. marched with her and her friends for a while. then X shared location so I raced away to try finding him. failed again, but got to hear the drumming at least. then walked home to see B and Q (haha), who I'd invited over before I remembered it was pride. had a really nice time with them - played codenames - and it was good to hear that she has similar feelings to me about the Overhaul. I really like Q too - difficult phd exam situation - and they seemed like they'd be down to go climbing together sometime, which would be very nice. then went to meadows to meet people actually, and stayed for 5/6 hours. got to meet two Bs (the initials are really not going to keep working!) both of whom I really liked. spoke some more to K (different K) who has an incredibly sleazy air but actually quite liked him. had a good conversation with E, who I've been wanting to befriend more. very lovely and talented guy. was definitely too effusive at him. met T's boyfriend. at the end of the night, very complicated situation that I need to resolve somehow. ack. my social discernment has outstripped my social abilities. do feel overexposed but also I don't know. sometimes you need to try to talk about these things.

19/06/2026

very poor work today. did some emails I'd been putting off at the end of the day to redeem myself a little. not the big stressors but hopefully monday will be that much easier. went for a run after work - the first time its felt like my joints were the limiting factor in my ability to run, as opposed to my horrible cardio fitness. struggled a lot more with the uphill segment in the rain. think I need to take a longer break before I start on the next one. after work N came over and I told her about D. trying to work out how to stop using my life as fodder. and yet the opposite extreme has also been bad in the past, I think. probably will try to say less going forward. I always feel overexposed. It's like I want someone else to understand my life for me. I want to resist that. not that I don't want to be understood - but I need to work out how to understand my life for myself.

18/06/2026

very pleasant day. was supposed to see M in the evening but she was sick so day to myself. did some chores, read books, malingered, wrote. went for a long walk in the rain to the hills which felt good. felt the desire to run, even though it's an off day. late night walk so very few people around, so I danced to the music - I don't know what it is - and then realised that the two people walking up to me were laughing. but then they did a little dance too, as they approached me, so I felt happy. absolutely drenched. went up K's forest path - not so great in the actual dark.

17/06/2026

wednesday for a change. woke up very early at D's having hardly slept. he gave me a banana and described an upsetting sandwich he likes which he said he would make me. something about the texture of spinach packed down. me in my backpack; "have a good day at school!". did mediocre work at work. gave my presentation, which went down very well. emailing has been tiresome. I am behind. mostly lived a life of the mind. I feel like the job is robbing me of my life and my mental energy, which I would like to use on other things. feeling restless and miserable. the drop in the middle of the building. the downswing cometh. feeling very sad and crazy about everything with O. probably because hungover and very tired. so I tasted much of the worm. but convinced myself to go for a run at 10pm or so which helped a lot. even over the past week it's suddenly gotten a lot easier. although my shins are now giving me grief - all these downhills. listened to music instead of an audiobook this time. my raven cycle book got returned so I've been on master & commander, which so far I like a lot. but I wasn't feeling it. gave myself conniptions deciding whether to message T and D. feeling exposed from talking to D the previous night. have been trying to ruminate less. noone is ever missing. I keep constructing the worst reality to live in, but I don't have to live there. read some chekhov D recommended. anna on the neck; gooseberries; and then the other stories in the "little trilogy". also kafka's "the gatekeeper", which is not called that.

16/06/2026

ran my weekly meeting decently.. it's very awkward to chair meetings as the most junior person but the way everyone else does it (other than P probably) drives me a bit crazy. was feeling more productive than usual. but with a bit of an edge. the downswing cometh I think. went to group, then pub with group. cute french guy caught in the crossfire of S pissing me off and D sitting opposite me. he was just trying to say that green was my colour. take a compliment. sorry. got far too drunk too quickly. bought D a drink and vice versa. S said something quite sad about feeling like he's missing something at the centre which dampened my ire with him somewhat. he also said I have a vibrant personality, which was nice. didn't speak to T or B or X enough because I was preoccupied with D. need to counteract this next week. whatever's going on with D, I would like to have actual friends too. went home with D. apparently I was staring at him a lot. rather embarrassing. in my defence, he was sitting directly in front of me. also told him about yesterday, which he found funny. way to play it cool. listened to country music which I found lyrically quite on the nose. he was in a weird, stressed mood too. he told me some things which help me to understand him a lot better. I told him some things which I should not have. too shameful to be elucidating. I felt the echoes between what he had said and my own experience, but I don't think I conveyed them at all. I think I just kept saying I was good at tests but a headcase. not good. but I do feel I understand him significantly more now. completely failed to sleep. his bed is very uncomfortable.

15/06/2026

a bit hungover. mustered the courage to go into the shop to see D, who did seem genuinely happy to see me, but unfortunately did not plan any further ahead and so panicked and bought a book off him that I didn't actually want. well, I do like the book, and I don't have a copy, and it was only £3. but still, I wouldn't have bought it otherwise. I've not been in this kind of situation before. I feel it has the potential to end very horribly, but at the same time I don't think I can learn to develop a sense of human integrity (which I've decided is my main problem) in a vacuum. I have to be around other people and continue existing, that's the problem. it's all very embarrassing and painful. but I do like him, the more I understand him.

14/06/2026

went for a run. saw N and the taiko group which was very pleasant. went to housewarming party at I's. had been hoping D would be there but he was not. had a good - better even - time. too much trumpet playing.. very annoying. got to talk more to C (who is not named alejandro) and try his elderflower wine, which was very nice. took some pungent green shot. translated some basic chinese. met some people who both recognised me, but who I did not recognise. the highlight was that I got to talk a lot more with T, who I greatly admire and would like to know a lot more about. discovered she is in her thirties, working on the phd, graphic designer as well as a painter, lots of little jobs. we got an uber together (my first!) and she put the addresses in wrong so we drove straight past my flat and had to say. please can you stop.... but I was quite happy. I always want a walk in the night. listened to music and ran home. in the uber she said something very nice to me but I was too drunk to remember the exact words. something like interesting or fascinating and then maybe beautiful woman. but it feels egotistical to write that myself given the words may be wrong. it was all in the tone. I always feel basically genderless and disgusting but I felt better about being gendered this way than I have previously.

13/06/26

went to counselling. did some chores and food shopping. had a harrowing conversation with O about certain aspects of the breakup. it was productive at the beginning, maybe. he's clearly been thinking about it. but he started going in an unpleasant direction so I called it a night instead of getting mired in it further. it helps me to understand better what he was doing, which sort of helps, but sort of doesn't at all. what are you supposed to want when somebody hurts you? I just want not to be hurt, I think. so I tend to just want to pretend that nothing ever happened. I'm always pretending that nothing ever happened. unfortunately, knowing yourself to be pretending is not actually equivalent to nothing having happened. the whole relationship is like a long dream now. I knew it would be, and that was and is one of the most painful things about the breakup. dismantle the life and live in the residue.

12/06/26

went to an evening of traditional italian music, thanks to C. she has one of those incredibly magnetic personalities (or as I told her, a "winning personality" ("but I thought that was like. wahhh" "no, that's a whining personality,")) that I always feel embarrassed to exist nearby. but it was amazing. ran into K from school, who as it turns out works there. really like her. will try to see her again. danced a huge amount with anyone and everyone. J got me a drink and so did E, which I was slightly confused about, because we haven't really spoken. I like him though. he has a sincerity and sweetness to him. he's also clearly a talented artist. working his horrible jobs at various japanese restaurants. danced a lot with a different K (the initials worked a lot better when I was less social). she's incredibly striking and always has quite a faraway look in her eyes. but I felt we connected through dance, as insane as that sounds. I've never been a physical person. the relationship with O. a big part of it was that we were both of the mind, not the body. well. I suppose I didn't feel that a life of the body was accessible for me. or rather, it wasn't accessible for me then. so it's interesting to regain some of it now. dancing, running, eye contact. it's all happening. but I just wish there were no pictures. copied her twisting hand movements. think I accidentally petified Z, which I feel bad about it. I need to relate without diminishing. at one point we formed a spontaneous ceilidh. T was predictably a beautiful dancer. I liked her friends, too. sweated so much my hair was wet as if I had showered. walked along to the bar with C's friends but became tired and felt/was out of place. so I left very soon after - C said "you're leaving because it's boring?" and I said no, I was just very tired from all the dancing. that was the last I saw of her before she left the country. the interaction was interesting - I don't think I'd considered I could be perceived in this way.

10/06/26

went to improv because G and his friend were blasting christian music and chanting/speaking in tongues(?). very nervous. saw T and X there, which was really nice. did not do very well at improv - did my safety zone of mania, and otherwise froze up/camouflaged. obviously I haven't done it in a long time, but have realised after the fact that I was still on some level expecting to be incredibly good off the bat. I liked the guy that runs it. we worked out we used to work in the same office building - his company had to give up their offices. mentioned this to amelia and she recognised him as "the man who never smiles", which is incredibly funny to me. I kind of want to tell him. one of the improv performers had energy so incredibly reminiscent of mae martin I was immediately enamoured. I didn't get to speak to them much though, alas. and I didn't say this to them because it was so uncanny I felt that surely they must get it constantly. and I want to stand out from the crowd. T told me about the tragic sex lives of bed bugs. X was confusing me as always. I do like him though. C was very kind about my improv and said that she felt the guy I had been doing it with wasn't quite working with me (which I had also felt, but I could've been a lot more adaptable). she has introduced me to everyone as "the great actress" since. went outside with C and X and we talked some more. gave X a piggyback because there's something wrong with me. he gave me one too, and then we went our separate ways.

may 2026

23/05/2026

saturday again. woke up feeling awful and sore. new mattress is too soft. but also I pulled probably everything and was very dehydrated. did some light unpacking and organising - everything is still kind of a tip but I overdid it yesterday so wanted to take it easy. probably took it a bit too easy and haven't left the flat yet (apart from to go buy rice). made a fish dinner. the fish was 1 day out of date. having ocd about mould poisoning. living on a hill is super annoying when you're not feeling good. should probably take advantage of the 9pm sunshine and take a little walk. lots of small niggles about the flat. resolvable I think. bit of a doomed feeling but mostly not overwhelming. the breakup has definitely regained its nightmarish quality though. much easier to be as sanguine as 3 weeks ago when I could still see O. every day and talk to him. need to do my best. trying to make some future plans to look forward to - seeing E., M., french group, not B. because he has flaked as usual. summer school - need to come up with a study plan (have I ever successfully stuck to a study plan?). found some places I'd like to eat at. do wish I had more money. I certainly have enough to live on but I am having more material desires of late. I want clothes that fit. G. tried to get me to come to church - not happening. I really hope he doesn't ask me again.

09/05/2026

another saturday. moving day for me. brought everything down the stairs before the van got there. M. was an absolute godsend. we were done in 20 minutes then had to wait 40 for the van to show up. weird feeling seeing all my things on the pavement. so many books. I really want to cut down on the amount of stuff I have. I want the stuff but can't imagine doing this ad nauseam. this is really what makes me wish I could have a place of my own. there was a rather vicious parking argument on the street right as the van was about to turn up, but he was late and it ended up being fine. he was brusque but very good. £80 cash. worth it, but definitely would've been more worth it had I not overprepared. ah well, better than last time. M. insisted on buying me a cold drink which felt really rather unfair seeing as she was the one doing me a favour. want to get her some token of appreciation. the drive was only 15 minutes or so and E. came to help move stuff into the new flat which meant it went by very quick. I felt pretty calm and normal for most of the day - O was away so mostly haven't thought about it. it was difficult when they left - I had sort of been imagining a movieesque scene of pizza and boxes on the floor (never mind that I didn't use boxes) but they both had other plans and I think could sense my desperation a bit. I was very sad after that. but things went very smoothly overall.

02/05/2026

saturday. woke up at 7 the sun was so bright (a little hungover). counselling - not adequately submerged. went to the pub for lunch after and cider was stronger than I expected and ended up slightly drunk again. pulled pork burger which was a bit dry. but nice. sat the same place I sat last time, forgetting that it means directly facing a mirror. a guy washed the windows while I was sitting there. brought a notebook, intending to write but forgot my pencil case. walked up LW but overheated. sat down in the park to cool down a bit. did not run away from the dog. came home. all O's belongings packed up. it's still very sad, but not in the nightmarishly terrifying way it has been. got the nerve up to send D a message and he was very nice as I basically expected. will miss him and the others a lot. whelmed again. really really need to work out how to live. rewatched some more crashing. O's dad came up, predictably stressful. but not awful.

january 2026

12/01/2026

working mostly. every inbox frustration imaginable. walked to the supermarket and showered to test my foot. somewhat regretted it, very sore afterwards. still planning on going to cinema on weds bc with the right bus I can get it down to probably under a ten min walk. watched succession with O - which side are you on.

11/01/2026

failed again. watched the same hour long video twice back to back because I couldn't bring myself to stop it replaying. played minesweeper. not so good on the laptop now. partially it's because of my janked trackpad, partially it's my wrists, partially it's just because I'm not that good. nice dinner. managed to go outside for the first time since I wrecked my ankle. four flights of stairs - not bad! played a game against myself. otherwise, as previously stated, failed. don't wish to work tomorrow.

10/01/2026

waste of effort waste of life. tried to make cutouts. not good so gave up. played minesweeper most of the day. feel like I have lost something important. watched a movie - if i had legs, i'd kick you - and didn't much care for it. that article about aphantasia has really freaked me out: everything transient. drama lesson; fine performance, nothing at the centre. chinese buffet dinner: this smug boy with the same glasses at me.

09/01/2026

work back to normal today. nine trillion emails. all needing ticketed. or needing checked. or redone. very frustrating. created myself some soothing documentation work. to survive. decided to delete twitter for good. started watching the new pitt. it's really not good. I watched season 1 in a suicidal fugue so it didn't annoy me as much then. I will probably not watch any more. reading the dispossessed by le guin, having loved the left hand of darkness in november. foot is starting to feel something approaching a foot again. still sore but it's like the nerves have reoriented their map and suddenly my toes are moving properly. hate being injured. this was supposed to be the year of physical activity.

08/01/2026

day off totally squandered. I was supposed to work on research but instead I exposed myself to infohazards. finished the planner off.

07/01/2026

day of managing foot. ice and elevate and work and voltarol and paracetamol.

06/01/2026

bad day.

05/01/2026

called O again. forgot I was supposed to be calling O until halfway through the workday. Did not feel like it. But was in a better humour afterwards. suddenly felt purposeful and decisive. started making a planner. then it drained from me and I was useless.

04/01/2026

quiet day, mostly squandered. O at work. could not sleep for the pain.

03/01/2026

really good day, once I woke up. helped M with his cutouts, played wii, ate a lot of snacks and food. veggie burgers for dinner. a nice festive feeling.

02/01/2026

half day at work. I had been feeling churl-ish but decided to make a social effort. signed up for the gym. went to K&B's for dinner (very nice!) and hung out for a long time. played the numbers game. I enjoyed it a lot. O not so much. after walking down 3 or 4 flights of unlit uneven stairs to go home I must have slipped on the last three or four. truly sudden: one moment upright, the next all my awareness was on my ankle, only slowly and blurrily expanding outward: D's face emerging from the basement, then calling 999; M talking to me; O trying to soothe me. according to them it was around 5 minutes before I was more or less lucid. then I felt very sick and very thirsty. then a&e. hours and hours with the waiting time going up by 5 minutes every 5 minutes. hopping and hobbling to the xray. the nurses walking far ahead of me. stupid bus journey. upset with O. back home at 6:30am having cried the last hour straight. the end.

01/01/2026

I don't remember.

august log

august is a particularly interesting month to me.

01/08/2025

slow day. friday. had a shower, practised my chinese, tidied up the flat a bit, took a photo for my id card for work on Monday - pictures of your own face always the weirdest thing. then slopped about for most of the rest of the day. went to L&B's and played bananagrams. things were revealed. B made us some nice fajitas. spicy. very juicy. I had a nice time but I was in a poor humour because I don't feel well. the walk back with O was nice, though I became churlish and upset. then spent the evening looking at neocities.

02/08/2025

even slower day. granola, chinese, cleaning up. just so tired and under the weather. ate half a bag of the special crisps but they tasted off and then I've felt sick all afternoon so that may have been a mistake. turns out they are a year out of date. watched the end of community s3 with O. I have to agree with him that the season is at its strongest when it's doing its "meat and potatoes" rather than when it's doing its big set pieces. crazy how much of it is entirely ingrained in me down to the delivery. I've been exploring neocities. i love fisheatingsite. i got too ensnared in fish clicker though and one of the other games gave me horrible motion sickness. really need to do some more work on the corpus and my diss but I've been unmotivated? or anxious? probably the latter makes more sense. signed up for postcrossing.

03/08/2025

went for a longish walk (for me). 3 miles ought not be that long but really it is. oh well I will just have to walk more. maybe I'll walk to and from my new job. I've been pretty consistent with the chinese speaking practice but I really need to get my fitness up for the trip. looked at lots of different shoes but refused to try any on. hateful activity. went out for a nice dinner with O. cocktail and prawn tempura ramen and salad. it said vegetables on the menu so we asked what vegetables and the waitress was like. a mix? which only confused us more and then she had to go talk to the chef and she came back and was like.. there's some rocket? and leaves? and we realised that we had been bamboozled by the word vegetables. we also realised that the salad was the one we often get from lidl. one of my only successful ventures into the world of broth. washed my hair, packed all my stuff up for the first day of work, and...terrible insomnia, could not sleep til about 5 am.

04/08/2025

long long day. miserably woke up at 7ish for work. absolutely dead by 5. but work itself was good! well. typical first day it issues, trying to log into things via 5 different portals til you can find one that works, inputting nine trillion one time codes, signing up to platforms you'd never have heard of in your wildest dreams. 2 hour sprint meeting was very interesting, I'm feeling good about my choice to work here. though I really need to up my technical skills. though I also really need to stop getting so ahead of myself. it is day one of the job. perhaps it is fine if I focus on the tasks I was hired to do first. perhaps... the server was right by my desk and it's SO LOUD. I felt like I was on an airfield. they showed me where the coffin pods were. definitely need to get a mouse for work. the laptop trackpad is so tiny. now all that is left is to plot my pdf destruction.